


Sweetest Downfall

by carlynroth



Series: Let the Mountains Move You [2]
Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Angst, Endgame, Endgame Fix-It, F/M, Unresolved Romantic Tension, Unresolved Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-16
Updated: 2017-10-16
Packaged: 2019-01-18 08:38:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,656
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12384702
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carlynroth/pseuds/carlynroth
Summary: In the aftermath of Admiral Kathryn Janeway’s emotional revelation about the tragedies that wait in Voyager’s future, Captain Kathryn Janeway is confronted by Chakotay about the nature of her feelings for him. Sequel to fic, ‘Moving Mountains.’





	Sweetest Downfall

**Author's Note:**

> “And the history books forgot about us, and the Bible didn’t mention us—not even once. You are my sweetest downfall. I loved you first.”  
> —‘Samson’ by Regina Spektor

Kathryn Janeway stares silently out of the viewport in her ready room when the chime rings and Chakotay storms through the doors.

“Commander,” she greets as she turns to face him. “What can I do—“

“You’re in love with me?” He blurts the question without preamble.

Kathryn sighs and runs a hand over her face. She should have known that her older, time-displaced counterpart would not let this issue lie—that she would leverage it against them both. “ _Admiral_ Janeway shouldn’t have said anything to you. She’s trying to manipulate us.”

Chakotay takes a step towards her. “Is she telling the truth, Kathryn? Are you in love with me?”

“Chakotay.” She sighs again, and looks at him mournfully. “Does it matter?”

His expression twists, and he gapes at her as if she has grown a second head. “Of course it matters!”

Kathryn remains calm. “What about Seven?”

Chakotay sucks in a breath and opens his mouth to reply, but stops short. “Seven.” He says her name as if he has forgotten her place in all of this. But, suddenly, the pieces fall together. “Seven,” he repeats. “Oh… God.” He runs a hand over his face.

Kathryn moves down the steps to the center of her office where he is standing. Unthinking, she lays a hand on his arm. “I’m so sorry, Chakotay. She had no business telling you what she did. Even if she is telling the truth about her experience, this is a different timeline now.”

Chakotay’s eyes snap to hers. “Are you saying she’s lying?”

“It’s possible.”

“But, you don’t know. Which means that it could also be true.”

Kathryn nods silently, affirming what he really wants to know.

_She loves him._

With her eyes still locked into the intensity of his gaze, it takes her a moment to notice the warmth of his hand covering her own. It isn’t until she feels the light pressure of his fingers curling around hers that she realizes he is lifting it from his arm and raising it to his lips.

Her eyes slip closed and she shudders as his warm breath tickles the skin of her knuckles. All she wants to do is wrap herself around him and never let go.

‘ _You'll cry when you finally admit to him and to yourself the truth you've tried to bury for too long_ ,’ the admiral told her only hours before. ‘ _You love him. He'll say it back like he's been holding it in for seven years, because he has_.’

He loves her. He has always loved her. With the evidence standing right here in her ready room, pressing a lingering kiss to the back of her hand, she can no longer lie to herself about any of this. She cannot lie about what emotions are behind the looks he gives her when no one else is looking, or about being past her own desire for him. It would be so easy to lean in right now, and repeat what has become history for the admiral.

So easy.

‘ _He'll immediately break it off with Seven, and you'll be married within a year_.’

‘ _And then he will die.’_

_All the cruelty leaves the admiral's face as she answers with a solemn nod. ‘You'll never be the same, and neither will anyone else.’_

And then, it’s as if someone has doused her in ice-cold water to disrupt the sweet, warm oblivion in which her mind has cocooned itself. Kathryn’s eyes snap open, and she yanks her hand from Chakotay’s grasp.

“I think you should go.”

“What?”

“I can’t be anything for you but a captain, and a friend.”

“Friend,” he echoes.

“And as your friend, I think you should go. Be happy with Seven. Have a life.”

“How?” Chakotay’s voice is suddenly angry, and it puts her on edge. “How the hell am I supposed to just walk out of this room and act as if nothing happened?”

“Because nothing has happened, Chakotay. We cannot let the admiral come between us like this, not now. Her past is not our future anymore.”

“Damnit, Kathryn,” he shouts, his face flushing with anger. “Forget about the admiral! What about you? What do you want?”

“What I want is irrelevant,” she snaps.

“No, it isn’t!”

“Yes, it is.” Kathryn sighs. “Look at us, Chakotay, playing right into her hand. We were doing just fine before she said anything.”

“Fine? You think we were fine? We weren’t fine, Kathryn. And why the hell didn’t you say anything? Why didn’t you tell me how you felt all this time?”

“Because I have a duty to this crew, and I will not let them down.”

“What about on New Earth?”

The question stops her short. He is right, of course; she had no duty to anyone there. Even now, she has no sensible excuse for why she held herself back from him that night when he told her how he felt.

But that night is past, and he has no right to bring up what is over and done.

“New Earth was a long time ago, and it doesn’t matter anymore. That ship has sailed. We have to think about this mission, right now. And, you have to think about Seven.”

He steps closer to her. “And you?”

Kathryn tries to keep her face hard like a stone, but cannot control the twitch of her lips at the sensation of his heated breath so near to her. His eyes flick down to glance at her mouth, and she inwardly curses herself.

“Kathryn,” he murmurs. All the anger in his voice dissipates, replaced instead by desire.

Kathryn shakes her head, walking backwards until her body connects with the edge of her desk. “No, Chakotay. I can’t and I won’t. Not now.”

“When?” He is almost breathless.

“When I am no longer your commanding officer.”

“And if this mission doesn’t bring us home?”

Kathryn’s eyes are wet with tears, but she refuses to let them fall. “Treat her well, Chakotay,” she says mournfully. “She deserves to be happy.”

“So do you.”

“No, Chakotay, I don’t. I gave up that right when I took the uniform. I gave it up when I accepted command of _Voyager_ , and when I destroyed the Caretaker’s array. My own happiness is nothing compared to the responsibility I have to this crew. I can’t afford to be distracted by personal entanglements.”

Kathryn can clearly see how much pain she is causing him with her words. She has been trying to distance herself from him slowly, hoping that he might eventually decide to move on. But now, after what her counterpart has done to undermine her plan, perhaps what Chakotay really needs is to have his heart broken. It could very well be what saves them all.

Still, she feels as though she is choking on glass. She needs for him to leave before she runs out of strength to hold back the tears that threaten to drown her.

Chakotay isn’t about to give up, though, and his anger is rising again.

“So, what, Kathryn? Are you just going to put away your feelings, or whatever the hell it is you’ve been doing?”

“It’s part of the job, Chakotay. I’ve been doing it for over a decade, and I’ve gotten pretty damn good at it.”

“Is it part of my job, too? Or Tom Paris’? Or anyone else with authority on this ship? Are we all supposed to be miserable and lonely like you for the next sixteen years, or however long we end up being out here?”

“Of course not. That’s different.”

“And why is that?”

“I’m the captain.”

“That’s a bullshit excuse and you know it.” Chakotay sighs, releasing the tension into the air. “Kathryn.”

The softness in his voice when he says her name feels jarring on the heels of his frustration. Kathryn looks up to meet his eyes only to realize that he is stepping right up into her space. Part of her wants to slip past him—to escape from the pull of his gravity so painfully close to her—but she is glued to the spot.

Chakotay reaches a hesitant hand out to gently stroke the side of her face.

For a brief, wonderful moment, she allows her eyes to slip closed as she leans ever-so-slightly into his touch.

“Kathryn,” he whispers longingly, the warmth of his breath caressing her nose. The way he says her name is like music, and she never wants him to stop.

Her lips part and she draws in a shaky breath.

Gently, Chakotay nudges her nose with his as he drops his forehead down to rest against hers. “I love you, Kathryn. I’ve loved you all this time, and I am not about to stop loving you now. If you want me to, then I will wait for as long as it takes to be with you—even if I have to wait for the rest of my life.”

“Chakotay—“

“Just tell me you love me, too, Kathryn.” His voice trembles as he murmurs his desperate request against her lips.

Suddenly, Kathryn’s body goes rigid. Her eyes snap open in alarm, and she wrenches herself free of Chakotay’s grasp. “You need to go.”

“What? Kathryn—“

“You’re dismissed, Commander.”

She thinks she has shattered him completely. But as he examines her face, a flicker of understanding begins to catch on and grow. “You’re afraid of this—of being in love with me. Why?”

“Get out, Chakotay.” She enunciates her command so clearly that she almost spits out the words. “Or I will have you escorted out.”

“Kathryn—“

She shoots him a withering glare, and he shakes his head. Without another word, he walks out of her office. When the doors hiss closed, Kathryn realizes that he has taken what little was left of her heart with him.

And now, in this very moment, she finally understands how the admiral has become so cold to everything.

**Author's Note:**

> Much thanks to Miss Mil for her helpful beta reading! 
> 
> Also, for those who may be wondering: Yes, I adapted a few Ross/Rachel lines from Friends s02e07 TOW Ross Finds Out.


End file.
